Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Randomize
