Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Randomize
