The maid of honor just puked.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
