I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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