I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
