Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize
