I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
