he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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