im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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