just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
