Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
