I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
