Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
