Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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