hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
