I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
