and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
