I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
