he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Randomize
