Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize