I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Never let your siblings swipe right.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
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