What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
