So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Randomize
