every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
