I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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