I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
