you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
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