My hand turned me down
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
