she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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