just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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