the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
