btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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