She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize