Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
