when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Randomize