I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Randomize
