I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
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