You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
she pinky promised me she was 18
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
