help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
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