It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
