Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
