after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
