i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
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