God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Randomize
