Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
