I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
I forget how to act sober
Randomize