she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
