me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
did you just send me my own nude
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
