I hope mine doesn't look like that
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
