I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
