dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
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