and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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