I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
