If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Randomize
