god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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