My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
