I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
