And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Randomize
