I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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