I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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